possessum | — 𝐜 𝐨 𝐧 𝐭 𝐚 𝐜 𝐭

— 𝐜 𝐨 𝐧 𝐭 𝐚 𝐜 𝐭

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NOTE: I am forever backtag friendly and absolutely open to doing things from past events that won't really have an effect on things at any given time. For example, if you'd like to do something with Peter aged down or when he was his spider dream guide, etc.

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[ Oh god, that thing. Somehow it's actually a little more uncomfortable than the deerlyBeloved thing, for him. Maybe because this one involved him filling it out, himself. ]

Oh you saw that thing?
I updated it a couple days ago. I don't even know why, I was just being stupid

[ ...But now he's wondering what exactly that question was about. And despite calling himself stupid, Peter's not stupid, not really. There are only so many things in his profile that could warrant a response like that, and he's using process of elimination to find them. ]

Is this about the people not having expectations of me thing?
Or the relationship status one?

[ Those are the only two that make sense, he thinks. ]

[ Ah, yes. That thing. She knew his profile hadn't much in it before the update, and it still doesn't have much in it yet. But he's... updated specific things. And it's warranted a reaction out of her before she could help herself. Never one for ignoring things, is she? ]

Well. I was asking about the latter, specifically. [ Although it could honestly apply to the 'expectations' part, really. ]

Is that really what you think of yourself?

[ He's become used to Luna's forthcoming tendency. It isn't.. abrasive, though. "Pushy" is absolutely never a word he would use to describe his friend. She's just... open, honest — and incredibly soft in that honesty. He's really never met anyone like her in his life.

It does throw him off, though, because it's... her asking about this. And the seemingly simple act of changing that status from the generic "single" to "you don't want me" does have... meaning behind it. He's afraid, putting out some kind of dark-humoured, self-deprecatory answer as a kind of defensive mechanism, maybe. ]

Honestly, I know I'm a lot more trouble than I'm worth, hahaha

[ He's trying not to make that sound as.... depressing as it sounds... Giving a bit of a joking edge to it. ]

I wanted to warn people
Trying to do my civil duty

[ Self-deprecation and Peter go hand in hand, and it's been long enough in their friendship that she recognises what it means when he opts for that response. She's trying to be gentle about it, really. There's a degree of carefulness required when dealing with Peter; that she has to be gentle with him sometimes.

But she knows she also can't change herself for that, either. It's difficult to navigate, but not off-putting. He's worth the trouble. ]

That's not quite true, though.

[ She's maybe not just talking about her, but in general. There are other people in his life in Deerington who don't view their relationship with him as some kind of burden on them. People like Louis, and Ben. And those are just people she knows, and knew.

But getting back to her own part in this: ]

So I suppose it takes me back to my first question: what if someone did? Want you, I mean.

[ He's not surprised Luna would say that, and it does mean something to him to hear it, particularly from her. He doesn't doubt that she sees him more favourably than he does himself. Luna's... like that. She can see the good in things. In him.

But she hasn't seen all of what's in him. If she knew... the bad. That dark, dark badness in him. Would she still feel that way? If she knew what he'd done? Whom he'd hurt and how? ]

I think I'd tell them
that they shouldn't

[ Saying that makes his heart sink in some weird way. It's not that Peter expects anything like that anyway, or seeks it out. The thought has more or less been... nonexistent. There's been no room for anything like that, with everything that's happened, everything he's been through.

But lately... soft little thoughts filter through sometimes. Little moments where he does think about those types of things. It frightens him. ]

I don't want to pretend like I'm a better person than I am
So I would tell them to begin with
So they don't waste their time and I can't hurt them

[ There's too many terrible things in the world, she's known so much of it in such a short time. She's always tried to see the silver-linings, what sparks of good can be found in things, in situations, in people. But the thing is, she picks these things out because they're there. There is good in Peter.

It's an admission that stings more than it should, or more than she thought it should. It stings against her own feelings for him, and about him — those quiet, gentle little notions she's been allowing herself to think, to feel. How he feels about himself — how he views himself, and there's a lack of understanding in that. ]

Even if that person was me?

[ In part, she regrets asking almost immediately. Because it puts him in a position that isn't fair, because it puts their friendship, and what else comes of that, in an unfair position.

But then she understand how that thinking does work when it comes to them. Why would he ask, why would he draw her close to push away again? ]

I'm sorry, Peter. It wasn't right of me to ask that.

Neither should you make yourself out to be a worse person than what you are. You sell yourself short that way. You shouldn't insult yourself by dismissing your own worth, or the worth that people see in you.

That I see in you.

[ It's some strange mixture of being surprised but also... not being that surprised. It surprises him but doesn't shock him, maybe. Peter's not oblivious at all to the little shift in his relationship with Luna — asking her out on an "official date" might seem the huge thing, and it is a big thing, but... it's those small things underneath. The shy smiles and lingering gazes on each other's mouths, the way holding her hand feels a little different, now. She's always represented a source of comfort to Peter, from the very start, and that hasn't changed. But it's definitely shifted forms, growing and adjusting with them.

In the beginning, it was out of some frenzied necessity, being close to her; they'd leaned on each other to get through hell after hell, and now things have been allowed to.. slow down, and ironically, that's when it's become scariest. He's happy, too, very happy — asking her on that date, knowing it's something coming up soon, has been a source of pleasant nerves, ones he doesn't want to hide from.

But it does open him up to thinking about... more, and there's where Peter does hide away a bit. That's where the dumb little change on a dumb little Staggr profile really comes from. So it's not entirely a shock to him, though his heart is skipping about seven beats before he can breathe again. It's all right, though. He's not upset that she asked him. This just hurts a little, because he thinks it might hurt her, the way he answers. ]

If that person was you
I'd tell you the same

[ But it... feels wrong, to leave it like that. Something in his chest twists uncomfortably. He finds himself continuing, with the need to explain that she's... special. She in particular is special to him. ]

Especially if it was you
Because you're the person I don't want to hurt, the most
You're the person I want to be the most happy

Then why did you ask me out?

[ Because that's the part she doesn't understand in all this. If he doesn't want to waste her time, he doesn't want to hurt her but to keep her safe — why did he ask her? If that's how he sees himself. It's like he opened a door but then stands in the doorway, blocking the way in. The strange juxtaposition of being invited in and yet pushed away all at once.

It's an odd ache, hollow and longing all at once echoing around in her chest. Because it's those little things between them she thinks on, the moments that make her flutter — how much she... enjoys them. Now she can finally let herself enjoy them, without the horrors and dangers of this place breathing down their necks — just the ability to simply enjoy them for what they are, something soft and gentle. Something to let grow.

And yet there's fear of losing it. Because these things... they're things she recognises she could have, she's grown to want instead of simply need. Things she never thought she could ever have. Things she trusts with him to share with her, to work out what they are. Because she does trust him — she's never trusted anyone like this before in her life. ]

What if I do want you? You don't get to do that. You don't let me in and then tell me you're not worth it. You don't get to decide what I let hurt me. I know you would never want to hurt me.

[ As special as she is to him, it's the same in return. ]

You're allowed to be happy too. You're worthy of being happy.

[ Peter's stunned by it, and again — not even necessarily surprised. It's... a question he could ask himself, really, and maybe has been sitting on deep down. But Luna's asking it aloud, drawing it to the surface of him — voicing what he's been too afraid to. ]

Because I really wanted to
Because I really like you

Because you make me really really happy

[ It's nothing that Luna probably doesn't already know, in all honesty. They've already... established that they like each other very much, (that they're fond of each other), but it's still a lot for him, in this moment, putting it into words here. His hands tremble slightly, fingers like spider's legs catching against themselves. Yet through the nerves, there's a little flicker of warmth in him. "What if I do want you?" His heart is shyly nudging against those words, despite the ache that goes along with the moment. ]

I'm sorry. You're right, I wasn't trying to decide
things for you. That's not fair
I'm sorry, Luna

[ He can see how unfair that concept is. And he can see how... confusing his words have been, how paradoxical. He isn't trying to do that, to her. There's just... there's so much complicating it and...

...And if he doesn't want to lose her, he has to tell her. ]

There are things I need to tell you
about me
I will. I promise.
I've just been afraid
I'm scared you won't look at me the same

[ These are things she does indeed know. Things that have been said and things that have been unsaid — that lie within gestures, within the soft sounds inside the spaces of her mind he occupied when the red thread connected them. A comforted contentedness she realised was her influence on him.

She makes him happy, and it makes her smile through the ache she feels, the confusion he's brought. Makes the ache a little softer, something warmer — more gentle longing than hollowing. ]

You already do make me happy. You know that, right?

[ Because there's already been so much between them up until now, up until he'd asked her out on a date. Something rare and precious had been found between them. It's why she'd said yes. ]

I'm not angry with you for it, Peter. I just want to understand why.

I don't want lose what this is, what it could be, if you can't trust me to understand why you think like this. Not when it's something I didn't think I could have before.

[ To barely touch on something and have the rug pulled out from under her, sort of speak. Because it is unfair, she's had enough unfairness. But he's... willing to be open with her, and it's enough. It's... something. Hopeful. ]

I think the fact you're afraid to tell me kind of tells me quite a lot, really.

I won't make promises on what I'd think or feel just to make you feel better, you know I can't or won't do that. But I'll always be here for you. I'll listen. Whenever you're ready to tell me.

[ It was so much easier when they had that thread, when she could feel what he felt and meant. Peter's no good with expressing things, but... he has to communicate with her. He knows that. He wants to. He is afraid, but he isn't running from her; if he was, he wouldn't have taken that little step of asking her out. It's something simple, innocent, a little date, but it's... also a lot. It is opening a door. ]

I do know. And I'm really glad

[ He does, truly, and doesn't doubt that he makes her happy. He can see that; he's felt it. They make each other very happy, and despite the little confusions and aches, theirs is a very mature relationship. Though his own honesty is coated in fear, and sometimes second-guesses itself, Peter will only ever be honest with her in return. ]

I guess I've just never thought something like that could really be for me, either
Things like relationships
They feel like this really big thing
Like you're growing with someone
I mean I know a lot of people our age are whatever about things like that, it's no big deal to them
But for us
It's something big

[ He knows she understands. They've talked about it before, about not fitting in and feeling weird amongst their peers, and he knows she's had it worse than him, even. Peter's own ostracisation was self-inflicted, not the result of bullying. But they're still on the same wavelength, he thinks, about it being something... big, and meaningful. Scary. ....And especially now that he's a murderer and there's apparently a demon from Hell living inside of him to factor into the equation. But that's a conversation for another day. ]

I do trust you
I trust you more than I've ever trusted anyone

[ "Hope" is... a scary word. A word he's shirked from, for... a long time. He hasn't allowed himself to get hopeful about anything, really. Does he have hope that... after what he tells her, Luna will still think well of him? Will still want him around? Still... like him? He...wants to. He's afraid, and then there's the huge part of him that functions through guilt, who thinks too much happiness isn't deserved. ]

Thank you, Luna
I'm sorry if I upset you
I'm bad at all of this
if you couldn't already tell

[ A little bit of light-heartedness. ]

[ It certainly was a lot easier with the threads. Easier to know what the other was thinking, feeling — finding comfort in being used to those glowing embers of affection in a gentler way. To experience it without worrying too much about addressing it.

All of this is just a huge expanse of the unknown, things they've never dealt with in life — somethings neither of them thought they'd ever deal with. Both of them understand that in one another. In the thread's absence, they're stumbling around in the dark with it. But there's comfort in knowing they're in a similar boat, and stumbling around together. ]

I know what you mean.

It's a little frightening, but it's not a bad kind? It's something I'm alright with, though. I don't mind being a little scared about it.

Because it feels nice, too.

[ Of course there's that nervous fear, that lends into shyness. But it's... exciting, too. Just as Alice had told her with her and Kady: it's scary, but it's also nice. She's... starting to understand that now. And maybe as her friend suggested, it's something worth facing the fear of. ]

It's alright, Peter. And I don't expect you to be good at this kind of thing. I understand.

[ He's... a dummy, sometimes. She's okay with this. ]

But I know you're trying, you're willing to try and that means a lot.

If you're going to trust me with this, whatever it might be? I know it means you're trying.

[ It's strange; there's two parts of this for him, really, and it's hard to know where they blend or how much. There's the part that's just him, the part that's seeing all of this through a "normal" teenager's eyes, nervous and new to all of this, who's very inexperienced. That part's still tainted, though, still doesn't think things like relationships or anything like that are something he should ever have. Not after what he did. He's... not a good person. He really isn't.

Then there's of course, the other part. The one that doesn't belong to a normal person, the part viewing this through the lens of the fact there's something very fucking supernaturally wrong with him. How.. could he even consider being with anyone, when there's something wrong with him like that? Louis hadn't acted like it was a big deal at all when Peter had brought it up, and while he absolutely appreciates his friend not treating him like there's anything wrong with him, it also... worries him. Shouldn't people realise what's wrong with him? Be afraid of it? It's worse if they aren't. Because then they'll get close to him, and he could hurt them, and he can't stand the thought of hurting anyone else ever again, after what he'd done to his family—

..... So his own sense of being frightened is partially the not-necessarily-bad kind she's talking about, but then there's part of it that is the bad kind. The sort of fright that makes his guts hurt, and they're hurting now, even as he's trying to reassure her of something. He will tell her, but it aches to think about. It scares him, makes him feel ill. Peter runs his hands over his face for a moment, to ease himself a little. ]

You're my best friend. I want to try for you

[ Maybe she will see him differently afterwards. How could she not, honestly? But she's right, that's her right to one way or another. He can't take away that choice for her; it belongs to her. And truthfully, he has been hiding from Luna a bit over the past months, hasn't he? From everyone, but maybe especially her. It hadn't lasted long, and he hadn't cast himself away from her completely, but he had withdrawn out of fear of hurting her, and out of fear of how she might look at him if she sees that darkness in him too closely.

He can't keep hiding, not when their relationship has reached a point where they're so very open and comfortable in each other. He just.. hadn't been thinking about the future so much, maybe. This conversation has opened up the concept more in him, and his knee-jerk was to flinch away from it, to be afraid. Peter's feelings are much like a shy animal that has to be coaxed out by safe hands; some wounded little thing. But she's— she's said some things here that are very.... important.

.... "What if I want you?"

What if he wants her, too? ]

Because I don't want to lose you
Or what this is, either

Or what it could be

[ He's echoing what she'd said before — what it could be. It's..... a little glimmer of something towards the future. Wording it like that. His guts still ache, but that shy wounded thing in him pokes its head out, carefully. ]

I'll tell you everything
Really soon

You're my best friend, too.

[ It's a wholly new thing, having a best friend. She's never had one of those before. But that's what she thinks of him, that's what she's sure it's like to have best friend. She's never been as close to a person her own age as what she has with Peter.

She has friends now, of course she does, but this is... different. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Neville are good friends, but her relationships with them are much different. She'll fight alongside them, cares for them deeply, but she's... never been affectionate with them like Peter. And then here in Deerington, she has people like Alice, Fern, Ruby or Diarmuid. Friends and good friends, she thinks. But again, it's not what she has with Peter.

Maybe that's how he's different, how it marks him as her best friend. It's something special, important. And even if she can't say how she's going to react, to whatever it is he's going to tell her about himself — part of her hopes it isn't something that'll make her change how she sees him.

She cares too much about him. She doesn't want to lose him, not now. Not when there's maybe something more to what they are — some curious and fascinating and exciting thing. Something good, that she thinks they deserve in all of this, that they can quietly work on, work towards in their own time. She's long been filled with lonely aches — she wants the feel of this instead. ]

Alright.

I'll be here for you. Whenever you're ready.

I promise.

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— 𝐜 𝐨 𝐧 𝐭 𝐚 𝐜 𝐭

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shamelessly boomerangs this though.....

same tho

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me turning a text post into literal paragraphs of introspection

me: gets popcorn tbh but also S A M E