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— 𝐜 𝐨 𝐧 𝐭 𝐚 𝐜 𝐭
NOTE: I am forever backtag friendly and absolutely open to doing things from past events that won't really have an effect on things at any given time. For example, if you'd like to do something with Peter aged down or when he was his spider dream guide, etc.
no subject
I do know. And I'm really glad
[ He does, truly, and doesn't doubt that he makes her happy. He can see that; he's felt it. They make each other very happy, and despite the little confusions and aches, theirs is a very mature relationship. Though his own honesty is coated in fear, and sometimes second-guesses itself, Peter will only ever be honest with her in return. ]
I guess I've just never thought something like that could really be for me, either
Things like relationships
They feel like this really big thing
Like you're growing with someone
I mean I know a lot of people our age are whatever about things like that, it's no big deal to them
But for us
It's something big
[ He knows she understands. They've talked about it before, about not fitting in and feeling weird amongst their peers, and he knows she's had it worse than him, even. Peter's own ostracisation was self-inflicted, not the result of bullying. But they're still on the same wavelength, he thinks, about it being something... big, and meaningful. Scary. ....And especially now that he's a murderer and there's apparently a demon from Hell living inside of him to factor into the equation. But that's a conversation for another day. ]
I do trust you
I trust you more than I've ever trusted anyone
[ "Hope" is... a scary word. A word he's shirked from, for... a long time. He hasn't allowed himself to get hopeful about anything, really. Does he have hope that... after what he tells her, Luna will still think well of him? Will still want him around? Still... like him? He...wants to. He's afraid, and then there's the huge part of him that functions through guilt, who thinks too much happiness isn't deserved. ]
Thank you, Luna
I'm sorry if I upset you
I'm bad at all of this
if you couldn't already tell
[ A little bit of light-heartedness. ]
no subject
All of this is just a huge expanse of the unknown, things they've never dealt with in life — somethings neither of them thought they'd ever deal with. Both of them understand that in one another. In the thread's absence, they're stumbling around in the dark with it. But there's comfort in knowing they're in a similar boat, and stumbling around together. ]
I know what you mean.
It's a little frightening, but it's not a bad kind? It's something I'm alright with, though. I don't mind being a little scared about it.
Because it feels nice, too.
[ Of course there's that nervous fear, that lends into shyness. But it's... exciting, too. Just as Alice had told her with her and Kady: it's scary, but it's also nice. She's... starting to understand that now. And maybe as her friend suggested, it's something worth facing the fear of. ]
It's alright, Peter. And I don't expect you to be good at this kind of thing. I understand.
[ He's... a dummy, sometimes. She's okay with this. ]
But I know you're trying, you're willing to try and that means a lot.
If you're going to trust me with this, whatever it might be? I know it means you're trying.
me turning a text post into literal paragraphs of introspection
Then there's of course, the other part. The one that doesn't belong to a normal person, the part viewing this through the lens of the fact there's something very fucking supernaturally wrong with him. How.. could he even consider being with anyone, when there's something wrong with him like that? Louis hadn't acted like it was a big deal at all when Peter had brought it up, and while he absolutely appreciates his friend not treating him like there's anything wrong with him, it also... worries him. Shouldn't people realise what's wrong with him? Be afraid of it? It's worse if they aren't. Because then they'll get close to him, and he could hurt them, and he can't stand the thought of hurting anyone else ever again, after what he'd done to his family—
..... So his own sense of being frightened is partially the not-necessarily-bad kind she's talking about, but then there's part of it that is the bad kind. The sort of fright that makes his guts hurt, and they're hurting now, even as he's trying to reassure her of something. He will tell her, but it aches to think about. It scares him, makes him feel ill. Peter runs his hands over his face for a moment, to ease himself a little. ]
You're my best friend. I want to try for you
[ Maybe she will see him differently afterwards. How could she not, honestly? But she's right, that's her right to one way or another. He can't take away that choice for her; it belongs to her. And truthfully, he has been hiding from Luna a bit over the past months, hasn't he? From everyone, but maybe especially her. It hadn't lasted long, and he hadn't cast himself away from her completely, but he had withdrawn out of fear of hurting her, and out of fear of how she might look at him if she sees that darkness in him too closely.
He can't keep hiding, not when their relationship has reached a point where they're so very open and comfortable in each other. He just.. hadn't been thinking about the future so much, maybe. This conversation has opened up the concept more in him, and his knee-jerk was to flinch away from it, to be afraid. Peter's feelings are much like a shy animal that has to be coaxed out by safe hands; some wounded little thing. But she's— she's said some things here that are very.... important.
.... "What if I want you?"
What if he wants her, too? ]
Because I don't want to lose you
Or what this is, either
Or what it could be
[ He's echoing what she'd said before — what it could be. It's..... a little glimmer of something towards the future. Wording it like that. His guts still ache, but that shy wounded thing in him pokes its head out, carefully. ]
I'll tell you everything
Really soon
me: gets popcorn tbh but also S A M E
[ It's a wholly new thing, having a best friend. She's never had one of those before. But that's what she thinks of him, that's what she's sure it's like to have best friend. She's never been as close to a person her own age as what she has with Peter.
She has friends now, of course she does, but this is... different. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Neville are good friends, but her relationships with them are much different. She'll fight alongside them, cares for them deeply, but she's... never been affectionate with them like Peter. And then here in Deerington, she has people like Alice, Fern, Ruby or Diarmuid. Friends and good friends, she thinks. But again, it's not what she has with Peter.
Maybe that's how he's different, how it marks him as her best friend. It's something special, important. And even if she can't say how she's going to react, to whatever it is he's going to tell her about himself — part of her hopes it isn't something that'll make her change how she sees him.
She cares too much about him. She doesn't want to lose him, not now. Not when there's maybe something more to what they are — some curious and fascinating and exciting thing. Something good, that she thinks they deserve in all of this, that they can quietly work on, work towards in their own time. She's long been filled with lonely aches — she wants the feel of this instead. ]
Alright.
I'll be here for you. Whenever you're ready.
I promise.