possessum | — 𝐜 𝐨 𝐧 𝐭 𝐚 𝐜 𝐭

[ "Miracles" is a good way to describe the way it feels. Because Peter doesn't think he earned the unrelenting kindness that Luna has for him, doesn't think he deserves it. It feels like a miracle of sorts indeed, that he ever even met her. ] I'm glad you have some people like that too, man. [ It might not negate the darknesses inside of you, but it.... helps you not get swallowed up by them, maybe. To have people like that. People who see you better than you can see yourself.

He falls silent, listening to Eddie talk about his.... his possession experience. Peter's glad he's not there in person with the younger teen right now, because for a moment it's a little hard to breathe, and he has to close his eyes and count a few times, because his chest feels too tight and his throat feels too big and his hands feel slightly tingly and weird. He knows what that prefaces: a panic attack. But as he keeps his eyes closed and listens, hanging onto every beat of Eddie's words, it helps ground him, and he can release a shuddery breath into his own palm, muffling the sound. He's.. okay. He's okay, he can breathe. It's okay.

....It's just a lot. To sit there and listen to someone relay a lot of what he's felt. Things Peter had been dealing with even back home before he knew it was a fucking demon, thought it was just...... the grief, the loss, or maybe the cocktail mixture of more severe mental illness finally come for him, the way it had for his grandmother, mother. He knows, knows exactly what the boy means. The physical part is a lot too, it often hurts, hurts a lot, and he always feels sick, but... it's the other part that's really the worst. The way every soft 'cluck' sound the demon makes reminds him of his sister. He thinks Paimon's taunting him with that. Picking up on his memories of Charlie, his biggest guilt, and using it against him. The way the demon draws.... crude, chidlish art. The way it makes things. He thinks it's torturing him with Charlie—

—Peter doesn't know the truth, how it's even more horrible than that.

He should offer some comfort after Eddie tells him about those things, but Peter finds he can't speak. He just listens quietly, drawing in an audible inhale, then a shaky exhale. He just listens. "People like us", the boy says, and there's some weird, nice, little feeling of solidarity in that sentiment. To not be alone, even if what you're not being alone in is being dark and miserable and prone to bad thoughts and being-not-so-great-people. God, talking to Eddie feels a lot like talking to Will. It's like being understood. ]

I think you're right. About— about feeling regrets and stuff. The fact you feel like it was a mistake and you wish you hadn't done it.... that's what's telling. I've known people who don't seem to feel sorry at all. Who just turn.... so angry, and mean. [ He hates that it's his mother's face that flashes up in his mind, but it is. His mother did something so horrible and never.... never really felt sorry for it, in Peter's thought. She just hated him. He misses his mom terribly, but he also can see that very clearly. "Hatred" and "resentment" were a part of her existence. And he always thought it was cruel of her. She... was cruel, in her ways. She did use it against him. 'Monsters take advantage of those mistakes.' In some awful, awful way, Peter thinks of the word "monster" when he thinks of his mother. ]

Are your best friends here with you? [ He wonders, softly. He hopes they are. He hopes Eddie has his friends here. He wants this boy, the one who knows about dark things and being hurt and hurting others, who feels like as much of an anxious mess as Peter is, to have his friends with him. ]

Oh man, you have stuff for that? Sleeping? I could honestly use that. [ He's had the help of Luna's sleeping draughts before, but.... he hates making her use magic here any more than she has to. Using it seems to have a cost in her energy, her health. The "addictive" warning does make something slightly uncomfortable twinge in his chest, because the word 'medication' in general reminds him once again of his family, of those illnesses that ran deep in them, but... but there's also his dad, and prescribing medicine for stuff to help people was part of his job. It doesn't have to be a scary thing. ]

I've never tried anything like that before. I probably should have. I don't think I've gotten a good night's sleep since I was like eight. [ A beat, a soft laugh that sounds more like breathing. ] I actually don't know a lot about medicine in general, which is fucking weird since my dad was a psychiatrist. [ Peter had always been kind of estranged from all of that. He'd never even had therapy from any of his dad's associates, even though he needed it. He needed it for a long time.

And now it's back to the hard part. The demon part. It made him kill....... oh. A best friend, a paternal figure. And a third. Maybe more. It's Peter's worst fear laid out right there, the thing he's been dreading this whole time. The demon's made him hurt people, but never kill. He hasn't killed anyone yet. The worry that it's coming is a constant one. People may come back here, but that doesn't make it... better. Easier. ]

Do you know why..... it did that? Why it killed people? Was it to hurt you? Or.... because that's just what it does? Because it was evil? [ There's the word. Evil. The one Peter wonders if he belongs to, now. He doesn't know. His own demon is... weird, often so lost and confused. Other people who have met it see it as not a threat; Paimon even has friends here. But Peter... doesn't trust it. Still, he doesn't know, and.... as uncomfortable as this all is, hearing from someone with any kind of Demon Experience might be helpful. But he'd never force the boy, and is quick to offer: ]

If you're okay talking about that though. It's okay if you don't want to. You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to.

Edited 2021-02-12 15:27 (UTC)

[A few days before Valentine's Day Peter will find a package at his door.

It's a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers! And it comes with a handwritten note:]

Hey,

I just learned about this rad human holiday where you give people stuff if they're important to you, so I hope you like chocolate!

And if this isn't how the holiday works, sorry. I'm trying my best here.

-Fern

P.S. The flowers are for Paimon. Sorry if that's weird.

Edited 2021-02-13 21:01 (UTC)

smash ?

[ Literally who cares if this is the first time they've spoken since Clarisse "died" and turned into a ghost, she needs to know this vital information. ]

Clarisse??
Are you like ok

What smash

[ This seems ominous ]

idiot

did you smash... with luna

[ There's a lot of things he could blame his poor attitude on in December. Lots of things leading up to and past that put him in that sorry state. At the end of it all, though? He's the one that went and cocked everything up. As per his usual.

Went and disappeared. Pushed everyone away. Horribly, for some. Said bloody terrible things and somehow---somehow they all just refused to give up on him. It's not something he's used to by a long shot. He fully expected a myriad of colorful versions of: "Damn you, John Constantine" or "Piss off" at the least.

Pretty sure it was meeting back up with River on the beach and then waking up to the very real possibility of being alone in this place with nothing more than regrets to show for it that spurred this on. Not to mention the talk he'd had with Herc over his own son. It's why he's here on the doorstep, trying to work up the nerve to knock.

When he finally does, his stomach is still twisting in knots as he waits. ]

Edited (forgot a line. ) 2021-02-15 00:01 (UTC)

[ CLARISSE

He's glad you're back to yourself.

BUT WHY. ]

Oh my god

No, I did not

Sorry to disappoint

[ Once again, Peter finds himself very surprised by a very thoughtful gift from Fern. The concept of being given things by the other boy is still so new and strange and yet... it's genuinely nice of him. Whatever antagonistic things existed between them before has just progressively been dwindling down into something else that's almost.... well, kind of chill. Kind of nice?

Anyway, Peter's going to actually send Fern a thank you text message this time. ]

Hey dude, thanks for the chocolates. They're really good. I'm already halfway through the box

I left the flowers for him
I'm pretty sure he liked them because he's already started using them for art stuff?
I found a bunch of petals glued to a sheet of paper. Who knows what he's making....

[ He really doesn't like talking about the demon, but knowing his relationship with Fern....he'd feel like a huge jerk to ignore his efforts. He gets that the whole king-knight thing is important to them. ]

Hope you had a good Valentine's and got to eat some chocolates too

[ The loss of John has been..... strange. A strange loss, and Peter's fluctuated between feeling cut deeply by it and being numbed. The knowledge that he'll never see his parents again has been a weight he's only recently really.... been able to feel. December was especially difficult, with the holiday season being a weird, gutting reminder of those things. It'd been hard. Really hard.

And through it all, the losses of other figures who have served as something.... parental have been vast empty spaces. Ben Dearborn and Will Graham. Wade Wilson. Adults who filled in some deep, aching hole in his life: protective of him and helpful and trusted. John's disappearance was weird because it wasn't wholly unexpected. You have to keep in mind that anyone could vanish around here, at any time. And at first, that's what Peter thought happened: that John had gone back home, woken back up, and the loss...... was very hard.

He mourned the man, through the other things he was mourning. John is a little scary in some ways, a little rough around the edges, knows about things that would keep Peter up at night. Terrifying things. But he's been a source of safety and knowledge and.... comfort through the boy's own terrifying ordeal. Losing him took the breath out of Peter, was a punch to the wounds already inside of him. He felt especially alone after losing the exorcist.

....But then he'd heard that John was back. Back but... not wanting to see anybody? You hear things; they have a lot of mutual acquaintances. And maybe Peter should have made more of an effort, sent him a letter or showed up at his house or shop, try to check on him and make sure he was okay. But Peter's not a pushy kind of person, and he.... naturally shies away at the slightest threat of resistance. So he waited instead, waited to see if John would say or do anything, but the man hadn't. There's been only silence. As if he was still missing, an absent presence. Hurt blossomed in the boy's chest, and an ache, and a fresh loss. One that took the shape of 'abandoned'.

So when he opens the door to see who it is, Peter's completely frozen for a long moment. It's like seeing a ghost on his doorstep, and his eyes are wide and shocked; he looks like he doesn't quite believe it. ]

John? [ Even the name feels a little strange to say, and it comes out of him sounding very small. It hasn't been that long in all honesty; it's not as if John's been vanished for half a year or something. But it.... feels like a long time, in this place. So much has happened. ]

PETER
this was your MOMENT

My moment to what??

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh myyyyyyyyyyyy goddddddddddddddddddddddddds

did you at least kiss her with tongue
it's VALENTINE'S DAY

[ In a way that isn't wholly wrong. John had woken up. He'd woken up back home and lived through months and months and a myriad of things that put even his constitution for the strange and magical to the test.

How does one go about waking up back here in this place after having died and come back, found out there's only a couple of handfuls of years left on the clock? He's seen and done a lot in his time. Fought demons and angels, gods of a kind. These ones---well, they nearly didn't win the day. It did a number on him and true to form, he turned tail and ran.

So when the door there's relief and anguish in equal measure at seeing the boy. Hearing the small way his voice sounds when he says his name, all questioning like--- He nods, chin trembling and throat too thick with all the words he doesn't know how to manage yet. ] It's me, I uh---

[ Oh, bollocks. He wants to fade into the background and pretend he never came here. He's useless at this sort of thing. So many things to say but he'd better start with the first and best. The most obvious. ]

I'm sorry.

LISTEN........

We maybe did some things

[ They did Some Things, okay.... But talking about details is hard, Clarisse!!!! ]

[ HOLD ON. WHAT? ]

you did SOME... THINGS? like what?

[ In a way, Peter had run away, too. He really could have tried to see John at least once, but he... hadn't. He'd been too afraid of rejection, maybe, hearing the way the exorcist didn't seem to want anything to do with anyone. It's easier to hide yourself so that you won't get hurt, instead of try and end up rejected. Those are lessons that aren't new to Peter by any means: distance learned well over time in his life. Even with his own parents, there was always some protective layering around himself. A coating of isolation. He learned that early on. Ways to make the hurt less, keep it numbed down.

Only.... only it does still hurt, he's finding. The shock holds onto that numbness for a few long moments, as Peter's brain tries to process the arrival on his doorstep — and then John says 'I'm sorry', and that breaks the numbness right down the middle. Makes all of this real.

But Peter finds that he's shaking his head in response, that he doesn't like the idea of anyone being sorry to him. He doesn't deserve that; nobody should have to apologise to him. ]

No, it's— you don't have to be. [ Peter's still all wide-eyed and stunned, standing unmoving in the doorway like a statue. ]

It's okay. [ He offers some kind of reassurance on autopilot; a way to temper down the upset, because that's something he learned, too. Hide from confrontation, or hurt, sweep it under the rug. Say and do what it takes to keep things peaceful. He's not explicitly aware that's what he's doing, but it's there. Trying to ignore the achey feeling in the pit of him, his own throat a bit tight. ]

Today in class I doodled the next monster I think the town is going to throw at us.

title or description

What do you think? does it seem likely?

[ Oh my god
Ruby why and how ]

Okay those are some sexy legs though

[ That's not a lie ]

Will it just run or can it jump, too?
Spring at people....

[She's got spare time.
That's how.]

I know, right? She's ready for a night on the town.

...Oh that's a good question. I think it'll run if it's seen. But if it manages to go undetected it'll kind of like duck down and sneak up and POUNCE! Sharp shark teeth right in ya!

A leggy shark pouncing at you
That's one of the most terrifying sentence fragments I've ever typed

[ Sure hope the dream logic of this place doesn't pull the creation from Ruby's mind and make it actually manifest sometime! ]

They say if you punch a shark in the nose it'll go away
But what do you do when the shark can knee you in the gut in retaliation....

Like we did do some making out?? And stuff like that
Like you know the whole situation with the dude and everything??
We figured out a way to make him fuck off sometimes
So we can really be alone sometimes
So that was really nice

Sharky Long Legs~!
She's gonna getchyou
She's gonna getchyou!
Gosh it is terrifying.
No matter how cute you try to make it.

[Ruby unfortunately would still try and fight it.]

This shark has evolved beyond that old weakness.
You can't even try to trip it because you've gotta get past all those teeth to do it.
This might be the ultimate killing machine.
Imagine it like ripping someone to pieces and then it just starts kicking them while they're down.

oh. well, that's not nothing.

good for you, man.

[ She means it!! ]

[ But fixing this, trying to, at any rate, wasn't down to Peter. It was down to John. He needed to swallow it down and own up to things. It wasn't that he didn't want to be near anyone at all. It was that he was scared to, which may well be what he has to go about trying to explain here. ]

I do have to be. [ A gentle correction. ] And what I did wasn't okay. Far from it.

You needed me here and I swanned off like it didn't matter. Like we aren't all just trying to get through dealing with this place on the regular. I owe you more than an apology for that but that's what I've got here.

And---and hoping for a chance to make it up. [ Somehow. ]

[ RUBY.....
NOW HE'S IMAGINING IT. ]

Oh my god
How do you even come up with this stuff??

[ Maybe because her world has so many terrifying monsters! She's horrifyingly creative! ]

This is even worse than Sharknado

— 𝐜 𝐨 𝐧 𝐭 𝐚 𝐜 𝐭

cw: start of panic attack symptoms, mental illness introspection, mommy issues, THE USUAL

[Delivery]

late night text

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action. visiting. late jan/early feb.

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rambles a little bit jgpakslf me getting all the feelings over this

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gah just leave me to die

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Text UN: RadRidingHood

text | un: P.Graham

Re: text | un: P.Graham

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