[ "Miracles" is a good way to describe the way it feels. Because Peter doesn't think he earned the unrelenting kindness that Luna has for him, doesn't think he deserves it. It feels like a miracle of sorts indeed, that he ever even met her. ] I'm glad you have some people like that too, man. [ It might not negate the darknesses inside of you, but it.... helps you not get swallowed up by them, maybe. To have people like that. People who see you better than you can see yourself.
He falls silent, listening to Eddie talk about his.... his possession experience. Peter's glad he's not there in person with the younger teen right now, because for a moment it's a little hard to breathe, and he has to close his eyes and count a few times, because his chest feels too tight and his throat feels too big and his hands feel slightly tingly and weird. He knows what that prefaces: a panic attack. But as he keeps his eyes closed and listens, hanging onto every beat of Eddie's words, it helps ground him, and he can release a shuddery breath into his own palm, muffling the sound. He's.. okay. He's okay, he can breathe. It's okay.
....It's just a lot. To sit there and listen to someone relay a lot of what he's felt. Things Peter had been dealing with even back home before he knew it was a fucking demon, thought it was just...... the grief, the loss, or maybe the cocktail mixture of more severe mental illness finally come for him, the way it had for his grandmother, mother. He knows, knows exactly what the boy means. The physical part is a lot too, it often hurts, hurts a lot, and he always feels sick, but... it's the other part that's really the worst. The way every soft 'cluck' sound the demon makes reminds him of his sister. He thinks Paimon's taunting him with that. Picking up on his memories of Charlie, his biggest guilt, and using it against him. The way the demon draws.... crude, chidlish art. The way it makes things. He thinks it's torturing him with Charlie—
—Peter doesn't know the truth, how it's even more horrible than that.
He should offer some comfort after Eddie tells him about those things, but Peter finds he can't speak. He just listens quietly, drawing in an audible inhale, then a shaky exhale. He just listens. "People like us", the boy says, and there's some weird, nice, little feeling of solidarity in that sentiment. To not be alone, even if what you're not being alone in is being dark and miserable and prone to bad thoughts and being-not-so-great-people. God, talking to Eddie feels a lot like talking to Will. It's like being understood. ]
I think you're right. About— about feeling regrets and stuff. The fact you feel like it was a mistake and you wish you hadn't done it.... that's what's telling. I've known people who don't seem to feel sorry at all. Who just turn.... so angry, and mean. [ He hates that it's his mother's face that flashes up in his mind, but it is. His mother did something so horrible and never.... never really felt sorry for it, in Peter's thought. She just hated him. He misses his mom terribly, but he also can see that very clearly. "Hatred" and "resentment" were a part of her existence. And he always thought it was cruel of her. She... was cruel, in her ways. She did use it against him. 'Monsters take advantage of those mistakes.' In some awful, awful way, Peter thinks of the word "monster" when he thinks of his mother. ]
Are your best friends here with you? [ He wonders, softly. He hopes they are. He hopes Eddie has his friends here. He wants this boy, the one who knows about dark things and being hurt and hurting others, who feels like as much of an anxious mess as Peter is, to have his friends with him. ]
Oh man, you have stuff for that? Sleeping? I could honestly use that. [ He's had the help of Luna's sleeping draughts before, but.... he hates making her use magic here any more than she has to. Using it seems to have a cost in her energy, her health. The "addictive" warning does make something slightly uncomfortable twinge in his chest, because the word 'medication' in general reminds him once again of his family, of those illnesses that ran deep in them, but... but there's also his dad, and prescribing medicine for stuff to help people was part of his job. It doesn't have to be a scary thing. ]
I've never tried anything like that before. I probably should have. I don't think I've gotten a good night's sleep since I was like eight. [ A beat, a soft laugh that sounds more like breathing. ] I actually don't know a lot about medicine in general, which is fucking weird since my dad was a psychiatrist. [ Peter had always been kind of estranged from all of that. He'd never even had therapy from any of his dad's associates, even though he needed it. He needed it for a long time.
And now it's back to the hard part. The demon part. It made him kill....... oh. A best friend, a paternal figure. And a third. Maybe more. It's Peter's worst fear laid out right there, the thing he's been dreading this whole time. The demon's made him hurt people, but never kill. He hasn't killed anyone yet. The worry that it's coming is a constant one. People may come back here, but that doesn't make it... better. Easier. ]
Do you know why..... it did that? Why it killed people? Was it to hurt you? Or.... because that's just what it does? Because it was evil? [ There's the word. Evil. The one Peter wonders if he belongs to, now. He doesn't know. His own demon is... weird, often so lost and confused. Other people who have met it see it as not a threat; Paimon even has friends here. But Peter... doesn't trust it. Still, he doesn't know, and.... as uncomfortable as this all is, hearing from someone with any kind of Demon Experience might be helpful. But he'd never force the boy, and is quick to offer: ]
If you're okay talking about that though. It's okay if you don't want to. You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to.
cw: start of panic attack symptoms, mental illness introspection, mommy issues, THE USUAL
He falls silent, listening to Eddie talk about his.... his possession experience. Peter's glad he's not there in person with the younger teen right now, because for a moment it's a little hard to breathe, and he has to close his eyes and count a few times, because his chest feels too tight and his throat feels too big and his hands feel slightly tingly and weird. He knows what that prefaces: a panic attack. But as he keeps his eyes closed and listens, hanging onto every beat of Eddie's words, it helps ground him, and he can release a shuddery breath into his own palm, muffling the sound. He's.. okay. He's okay, he can breathe. It's okay.
....It's just a lot. To sit there and listen to someone relay a lot of what he's felt. Things Peter had been dealing with even back home before he knew it was a fucking demon, thought it was just...... the grief, the loss, or maybe the cocktail mixture of more severe mental illness finally come for him, the way it had for his grandmother, mother. He knows, knows exactly what the boy means. The physical part is a lot too, it often hurts, hurts a lot, and he always feels sick, but... it's the other part that's really the worst. The way every soft 'cluck' sound the demon makes reminds him of his sister. He thinks Paimon's taunting him with that. Picking up on his memories of Charlie, his biggest guilt, and using it against him. The way the demon draws.... crude, chidlish art. The way it makes things. He thinks it's torturing him with Charlie—
—Peter doesn't know the truth, how it's even more horrible than that.
He should offer some comfort after Eddie tells him about those things, but Peter finds he can't speak. He just listens quietly, drawing in an audible inhale, then a shaky exhale. He just listens. "People like us", the boy says, and there's some weird, nice, little feeling of solidarity in that sentiment. To not be alone, even if what you're not being alone in is being dark and miserable and prone to bad thoughts and being-not-so-great-people. God, talking to Eddie feels a lot like talking to Will. It's like being understood. ]
I think you're right. About— about feeling regrets and stuff. The fact you feel like it was a mistake and you wish you hadn't done it.... that's what's telling. I've known people who don't seem to feel sorry at all. Who just turn.... so angry, and mean. [ He hates that it's his mother's face that flashes up in his mind, but it is. His mother did something so horrible and never.... never really felt sorry for it, in Peter's thought. She just hated him. He misses his mom terribly, but he also can see that very clearly. "Hatred" and "resentment" were a part of her existence. And he always thought it was cruel of her. She... was cruel, in her ways. She did use it against him. 'Monsters take advantage of those mistakes.' In some awful, awful way, Peter thinks of the word "monster" when he thinks of his mother. ]
Are your best friends here with you? [ He wonders, softly. He hopes they are. He hopes Eddie has his friends here. He wants this boy, the one who knows about dark things and being hurt and hurting others, who feels like as much of an anxious mess as Peter is, to have his friends with him. ]
Oh man, you have stuff for that? Sleeping? I could honestly use that. [ He's had the help of Luna's sleeping draughts before, but.... he hates making her use magic here any more than she has to. Using it seems to have a cost in her energy, her health. The "addictive" warning does make something slightly uncomfortable twinge in his chest, because the word 'medication' in general reminds him once again of his family, of those illnesses that ran deep in them, but... but there's also his dad, and prescribing medicine for stuff to help people was part of his job. It doesn't have to be a scary thing. ]
I've never tried anything like that before. I probably should have. I don't think I've gotten a good night's sleep since I was like eight. [ A beat, a soft laugh that sounds more like breathing. ] I actually don't know a lot about medicine in general, which is fucking weird since my dad was a psychiatrist. [ Peter had always been kind of estranged from all of that. He'd never even had therapy from any of his dad's associates, even though he needed it. He needed it for a long time.
And now it's back to the hard part. The demon part. It made him kill....... oh. A best friend, a paternal figure. And a third. Maybe more. It's Peter's worst fear laid out right there, the thing he's been dreading this whole time. The demon's made him hurt people, but never kill. He hasn't killed anyone yet. The worry that it's coming is a constant one. People may come back here, but that doesn't make it... better. Easier. ]
Do you know why..... it did that? Why it killed people? Was it to hurt you? Or.... because that's just what it does? Because it was evil? [ There's the word. Evil. The one Peter wonders if he belongs to, now. He doesn't know. His own demon is... weird, often so lost and confused. Other people who have met it see it as not a threat; Paimon even has friends here. But Peter... doesn't trust it. Still, he doesn't know, and.... as uncomfortable as this all is, hearing from someone with any kind of Demon Experience might be helpful. But he'd never force the boy, and is quick to offer: ]
If you're okay talking about that though. It's okay if you don't want to. You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to.